Commentary: Finding joy in having 5 children in Singapore

SINGAPORE: “Why did you choose to have such a big family?”
Believe it or not – I don’t get asked this question as often as you think I would.
The more common question by far, after counting off my kids when we’re out as a family, is: “Wah, five! Did you give birth to all of them?”
(The answer is “yes”, in case you were curious.)
But coming back to the first question, which begs for a more thought-out response, I have to confess that I don’t really have a clear answer either.
With just 3.2 per cent of women in my age group of 30 to 39 in Singapore having four or more children as of 2022, my family is clearly a statistical minority. Especially here in Singapore, where birth rates are plummeting, and marriages are taking place at a later age. For those who choose to have little ones, most women in my age group have two children (33.5 per cent), while 29.1 per cent of them have one child.
My choice to have five children in fast-paced, high-pressure, and time-pressed Singapore may seem counterintuitive, but I’m really enjoying being a mum and all that it entails.
Before anyone comes at me, I’m not saying that everyone should have five kids – or any kids, for that matter. I firmly believe that parenthood is a lifelong commitment that should not be taken lightly. And so, the decision of when to have children or how many to have is deeply personal, and should not ever be influenced by external pressures. 
This is just me, hoping to give others a glimpse into the family I’m pouring my heart and soul into building, finding great meaning and joy in my days.
It’s not as simple as “I’ve always wanted a big family” for me.
Growing up, I was always ambivalent about having children. I’d assumed I’d graduate, get a job and have one child later in life after ticking off my personal bucket list which included lots of travel, a PhD, and dreams of writing a novel. Having children did not feature very prominently in my plans.
A mixture of personal belief and circumstance has brought us here today – a family of seven, with five kids aged 10, 8, 6, 3, and 1. 
Like thousands of young, newly married couples, a miscarriage jumpstarted our family life. 
At 25 years old, I wasn’t ready for a baby then, but experiencing that miscarriage fundamentally changed the way I thought about children in ways I never imagined.
The certainty of carrying a child to term was swept from under my feet and I felt like I’d welcome any baby that came next, no matter when or how many.
That certainty has stayed with me throughout and carried me through the next eight pregnancies over the course of 12 years, as my husband and I welcomed five children into our lives.
Each child I carried to term felt hard-won. 
Every child we added to our family brought a new dimension of joy and excitement. 
So you could say I started out dreaming of big things, but ended up creating a big family as I built my dreams.
Lots of discipline, a super tight family schedule, a little bit of serendipity, and a very heavy dose of humour. I mean, really, I wouldn’t be able to survive the chaos of each day without finding some of it hilarious and laughing about it.
From 5.45am when we start our weekday mornings until 9pm when the last child finally falls asleep – it’s a flurry of activity and noise. I plan my work around these four blocks: Morning school drop-offs, the baby’s nap, a whole afternoon of after-school pick-ups and drop-offs, family dinner and bedtime. 
I live by the clock: Out the door at 6.20am for the primary school drop-offs, back by 7.30am for the second round of drop-offs for the preschooler and husband. The baby goes down for her nap at 10am, and we grab our lunch at 1pm. Between 1.45pm and 2.15pm, I pick up the four older kids from school and shuttle them to their afternoon classes, which run all the way until 4pm or 5pm. Dinner is at 6pm, homework (and piano lessons once a week) at 6.30pm, baths at 7.30pm, supper at 8pm, and finally, lights out at 8.15pm. Monday to Friday, we do this.
Work is done in the morning when the baby naps and the children are in school, or at night when the kids are all finally peacefully asleep.
When it comes to the logistics of managing seven individual schedules, my mantra is “If it’s not on the Google calendar, it doesn’t happen.”
Said Google calendar is filled with a crazy cacophony of colours, with each kid allocated one colour and every single activity of theirs pencilled in – from the littlest things like spelling tests and routine stuff like their weekly classes, to fun things like friends’ birthday parties and special events like competition and performance dates. 
It sounds like a nightmare to navigate, but running our schedule like clockwork helps me organise our time well, so that I can give each child the personalised attention he or she needs each day, and spend quality time as a family over dinner and before bed. 
In terms of finances, we’re not rich by any material stretch: My husband is a teacher, while I do a little freelance writing on the side to plug the gaps. 
Children are pricey, no matter where you live in the world. And while there are many reasons why a couple may not want to have children, financial cost is among the most common reason cited. Depending on who you ask, the cost of raising a child in Singapore ranges between S$200,000 and S$1 million a child.
I certainly don’t have S$5 million stashed away, but we make what we have work for us. We are responsible with our finances and have become pros at stretching our budget to its absolute limits. 
A no-frills car that seats seven, sports activities at the community club or the government-run ActiveSG centres, and home-cooked meals are our everyday reality. I double up as tuition teacher to my kids to save on enrichment costs.
We buy our groceries in bulk from different supermarkets to take advantage of special discounts or promotions. (My all-time favourite is grabbing three trays of thinly sliced pork at the price of two.)
We do have to spend on the boys’ clothing but they only like to wear the same few outfits so you can say we bulk-buy those too. Our girls are blessed to receive plenty of hand-me-downs from friends, and each item can be worn by the next sister whenever it’s outgrown.
Our one splurge in life is on travel, but we try to keep this in check by travelling to neighbouring destinations like Bangkok, Hua Hin, Phuket, Bali, Kuala Lumpur, and Johor Bahru. The favourable exchange rates and lower costs of accommodation and food really work in our favour when we go to such places.
There are also government incentives that help ease the financial burden somewhat in the earlier years of parenthood, for example the Baby Bonus scheme, child tax reliefs and childcare subsidies.
During his National Day Rally speech on Aug 18, Prime Minister Lawrence Wong announced that the government will be providing more support for parents thinking about having a third child, or those who already have three or more young children. I’m definitely looking forward to the details.
My heart says “no” but my head says “yes”; and today, my head wins. 
I love the newborn stage of being a mum, all the snuggles and unadulterated love you get from your baby. It’s pure magic.
But I feel like it’s time for me to grow up with my growing children. 
I want to spend more time doing big kid things too, like kayaking and ice skating, without feeling guilty at leaving the younger ones at home while I do these things with my older kids. 
I want to be able to allocate more resources to the kids we already have, to let them pursue more of their interests at a deeper level, without needing to plan for a new sibling.
I want to grow my other dreams too, and while having another baby won’t stop me from pursuing them, I’d have to step on the brakes a little for a season. 
Our family life is so full as it is, and there’s so much to look forward to literally every week. 
Kelly Ang is a mother of five and a freelance writer.